The voice in your head
Recently I was in a rehearsal for a faculty concert at the University of Utah. We were rehearsing the Menuetto-Trio I-Trio II of the Mozart Clarinet Quintet and having a conversation about the tempo. One colleague said that she wanted it to be faster, but kept hearing her teacher’s voice in her head saying, “Not too fast!.” We all laughed because we all understand that feeling. Another colleague reminded her that she doesn’t have to listen to that voice anymore. Of course we don’t, we are full grown adults with professional lives of our own, but we all understood and recognized it, because we all hear that voice in our own heads.
It reminded me that a couple weeks ago I had the pleasure of speaking with my viola professor Atar Arad on the phone. First of all it was wonderful to hear his voice again after so many years. He is still funny and warm; he is amusing and also amused. He still loves music and it comes through even after just a few moments on the phone. He’s proud of his students, he adores Mimi, he exudes a kind of joy that would be marvelous to figure out how access. Strangely, his accent is more pronounced than I remember. After we said our goodbyes and ended the call, I realized that the voice I hear in my head, the one that is always telling me that I’m out of tune, the one who is pushing me to find a better sound, more sound, more vibrato, the one who has no patience for not being fully prepared, the one who is frustrated when I fuck up…
Well, it turns out it isn’t his voice.
The voice is coming from inside the house.
(You might have to be as old as me to know what this is from…)
Maybe we attribute the voice to a parent, a teacher, a mentor, perhaps a colleague or boss. It’s usually critical, informing our decisions one way or another, and often discouraging, often giving us a reason not to try something new or different. Maybe we recognize it as “negative self-talk.” No matter what form it is, it rarely accomplishes anything. The voice does not encourage us, it’s a judgement that gets between us and what we are trying to do. It can keep us from TRYING. It keeps us coloring in the lines instead of creating the music or the art that we want to.
“Am I allowed to want to play this faster?” I don’t know, let me ask my teacher inside in my head.
“Is it ok if I break this slur?” Not sure, let me check with the imaginary musicologist in my brain.
“Can I edit my photo this way, am I allowed to crop like this?” I bet someone on the internet has an opinion and it’s probably better that you just follow the rules and stay in the lines.
So here’s my message, whether it’s rule following in photography, or staying in the lines with music. Don’t listen. The voice is JUST NOISE.
It’s not your teacher; you aren’t going to learn from it.
It’s not your parent; it isn’t going to keep you safe.
It’s not your boss; you’re not going to get fired.
Don’t listen. Make your artistic/musical choices because you like them. And then convince the world of them by performing your choices with all the belief, trust, emotion, and conviction that you can.
And to my dear students. If ever you think you’re hearing MY voice in your head, just remember, no matter what, no matter who you are, no matter when you studied, no matter if you pursued music as a career or not: You have made me proud by finding your best way to use your own voice in your own way. You don’t need my voice in your head, you have your own. Go sing it to the world.
Yeah. I cropped it from horizontal to vertical. SO SUE ME.
I said what I said.